BONUS For Friends of Divorcees: Four Ways To Support Your Divorcing Friend
Your friend just told you that she is getting divorced. You’re heartbroken for her. You want to be there for her, but you’re not sure what to say and, more often, what not to say. So how do you best support your friend who is divorcing?
Divorce is a major life shifting event in a person’s life. Not one area of a divorced person’s life – family, schedule, finances, thoughts, routines, health, future, name, jewelry, possessions – is untouched by some part of the pain. As a married or single person on the outside, you may wonder if you have anything to offer your divorcing friend. You do! Of course she’ll develop special connections with other divorced women in the world now, but she will also need to lean heavily on the support of her close group of friends that walk with her in the day-to-day.
By using the framework below with your friends who are anywhere in the divorce process, you will show that you are a friend that can go the distance. Here are the four basics to get you started:
#1 – Less Questioning, More Listening
I know you want to know the story of why her marriage fell apart or the latest development in her separation saga. Part of you wants the story because you need the details to make sense of the shocking news. But if you are honest, another part of you needs the story because you are scared it might happen to you. Remember, it’s not your story, it’s theirs. It’s also theirs to decided when to tell. Set your own fact-finding mission aside and listen. Invite them to talk with prompts like:
· Thank you for bringing me in on this hard news. I’ll be careful with it. I love you.
· My heart is breaking with yours over this. What’s on the top of your mind right now?
· This is so much. Your mind must be spinning.
· Friend, I’m with you. You’re not alone. We will make it through this.
Be there. Be a non-anxious presence. Divorced people are dealing with their own massive adjustment process. Don’t ask them to manage yours as well.
#2 – Keep Connecting
If you enjoyed time with your now divorcing friend and her partner, it can compound your sense of loss. Couple friends are a treasure, and you’re losing an important one. Even so, don’t stop inviting your friend to join you. The loss of marriage and family as she knew it is rocking her world. Make sure she’s invited to couples events and girls-only nights. Be the kind of friend or couple that seeks to be the consistent presence in her life and includes her like usual.
Check in more often than you used to with phrases like:
· You’re on my mind.
· Wondering if you want to go to dinner with the two of us this Friday?
· You have time for coffee or a drink soon?
· I’m coming over this week.
· We are free to mow the lawn, move furniture, hang pictures, and fix things this weekend. Can we stop by?
Don’t worry if she doesn’t take you up on it. She will love knowing that you remember her and that you’ll be there for her when she needs it.
#3 – Give Power Over Pity
“I’m so sorry” is a common refrain when people hear about a divorce or hear about the struggles of life post-divorce. It’s a fine initial response. But your pity over time will only make a divorcing woman feel more visible, judged, and abnormal. Try shifting the spotlight. Instead of trying to empathize about the difficulties, call out her strengths.
When you are a single parent, you no longer have that built-in someone to witness what a great mom and woman you are. It takes tremendous energy to show up for yourself, your kids, and your divorce process and recovery while also working and taking care of life’s demands. Notice that for her. Use phrases like:
· You have such a strength in all of this.
· I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I see that you are pulling it together with so much grace.
· I’m amazed at how you are figuring all of this out.
· Wow. It’s hard work and you’re doing it.
She needs you to say yes to the work she’s doing. Be a witness to her life and to her efforts. It goes a long way!
#4 – Be Patient
Experts believe it takes at least three years to get through a divorce. In my professional experience, three years is on the low end. Here’s the hard part. At about the end of year one, you as a friend may start to tire of her story. You may wonder if your friend will ever be able to move on.
When you’re just about to give up on her, please remember, the brain of a divorcing woman is stuck in fight or flight. She’s constantly on high alert for new movements that might affect her including her time with her kids, her sense of financial security, and what her future might look like. This constant mental running leaves her exhausted and without her normal reservoirs to get back to a balanced place. She might circle on certain ideas for weeks or months. She might catastrophize in ways you think are unnecessary. She might want to give up. And she might go on (and on and on) about the latest injustice.
Please be kind to her. This is so very hard for her. Her brain is taxed, and her heart is stretched. She won’t be like this forever. Can you stand by her for a few years while she works it out? The best of friends truly can.
This framework boils down to one idea – show up for your divorcing friend.
Listen, stay connected, notice her power, and above all be patient. Divorce is a lonely, long, and exhausting path. She needs you to see that. She needs you to offer help. But mostly she needs you to keep showing up. I’ll thank you in advance for her.
