How Divorce Typically Unfolds

I hesistate to write this, because absolutely no divorce follows the same path as another.

If you try to lay out a path to and through your divorce, you’ll just get the rough outlines of it. You want the actual steps laid out, but it can’t be done. Why?

the truth of divorce is that It will unfold based on how you and your soon to be former partner handle it.

Whether you pursue litigation, mediation, or collaborative divorce, you’ll find that you two will differ on what “fair” looks like when it comes to custody, finances, homes, and assets. That differential makes all the difference in determining the path of your divorce.

But aside from these specifics, there are some phases that every divorce runs through, and I think it’s helpful for you to have a cursory overview. In my work with clients, I am often helping to “place” them. Placing them just means letting them know where they are in these phases, so they are reassured that they have not left normal. They are on a path. It will move toward closure and healing. It’s also helpful to see that they won’t get there in a few short months.

PHASE I - The Decision to Divorce

The decision to divorce is often made by one person. The “leaning out” partners contemplate this reality at times without their partner, and they usually wrestle with it for quite a while. Marriage counseling is often involved, and confidential conversations with confidantes and family may occur. Most people who initiate their divorces will believe that once they make their decision to divorce that the hard part is over. It’s actually just begun.

PHASE II - Legally Divorcing

The legal process of divorce is not quick, it is not linear, and it is rarely attentive to the qualities of life that matter most to you. The idea of “fair” is not defined, and often you and your partner will disagree. You may agree at first and then you consult someone else and then you disagree. What seems simple, say, sharing kids 50/50, gets complicated when that arrangement decreases your financial support. What seems fair, say, your spouse paying your imagined sum in spousal support, gets frustrated when that amount is far below what you put into their career over the years. The back and forth, forward and backward, dialogue and revisit process winds around for typically around a year.

PHASE III - The Firsts

The year of firsts happens after you are legally divorced, you have your own claim to your finances, your custody schedule in place, and your housing decisions totally in your control. Often after the divorce is final, clients will believe that they are “done” with their divorce. In almost every case, however, I notice a different level of grief occur when the settlement statement is recorded. Where during Phase II you were directing your frustration at the process and at your partner, you now have to contend with the question, “Is this what my life is now?” You may find yourself energized to rebuild, but often the rebuilding is laced with a grief and a confronting of new and unexpected realities in your post-divorce life.

PHASE IV - Recovery

After the year of firsts, you can get more rooted in your personal recovery independent of your former partner. The threats have largely subsided, and you can focus more on who you are and what lies ahead.

As you can see, divorce is not for the faint of heart. Even so, the work you do in each of these phases is vital to creating a life that you love being in, even if it wasn’t one you chose for yourself.