Nine Ways to Miscommunicate

Sample coparenting exchange:

She says she wants the kids to be home by 5pm on Sunday night.

He says I get to keep them until 7pm.

She says they need to settle in and do their homework, so they need to come back early.

He says they can do their homework with him.

She says it’s not the same.

He says that’s ok.

She hangs up and calls a friend and says he is so tuned out to what our kids need.

He hangs up and calls a friend and says she’s so overbearing and doesn’t trust me to parent.

Who is right?

Both of them?

Neither of them?

Does it matter?

It’s conversations like these that keep us reeling and frustrated during and after divorce.

In one my divorce coaching training events, I learned this simple fact:

Between what I think,

What I want to say,

What I believe I am saying,

What I say,

What I want you to hear,

What you hear,

What you believe you understand, and

What you want to understand,

There are nine different possibilities that exist for misunderstanding.

NINE!

This reality wreaks havoc on our ability to connect after divorce with our former partner. Here is how it plays out:

What I think: The kids had a crazy weekend with you, and they need to get home with me to recalibrate. Also, you’re completely clueless as to what our children need.

What I want to say: How in the world am I supposed to do this coparenting thing with you when you insist on putting yourself first ahead of the kids?

What I believe I am saying: It’s important you coparent with me and put our kids first.

What I say: Please bring the kids back at 5pm.

What I want you to hear: I’m putting the kids first and you should too.

What you hear: I have to do what you say. You don’t trust me to do the right thing.

What you believe you understand: This complaint is deep down still about my affair.

What you want to understand: She thinks I’ll never get it right.

The only way out of this?

Walk gently. The communication you think you are giving that is so perfectly clear to you? It’s got nine different ways of getting mishandled.

Walking gently means you acknowledge the gift that good communication can be and you appreciate that even the best of communications can get waylayed by these nine ways of getting off course.

Are there spaces in your coparenting communication that could use some measure of grace given the nine opportunities that exist to miscommunicate?