Recentering When Divorce Makes You Crazy
One of the hardest things about the divorce process is how difficult it can be to feel settled. Even when nothing is actively happening, there can be a constant sense that something might happen. You may be thinking about what your spouse is going to do next, wondering how a conversation will go, worrying about the kids, anticipating an attorney's response, or trying to figure out what your life is going to look like six months from now.
When you've been living with that kind of uncertainty for a while, your body can start to operate as though it always needs to be at the ready. You're watching, anticipating, preparing, and protecting. And eventually, it can become difficult to tell the difference between something that actually needs your attention and your nervous system simply looking for the next thing to worry about.
This is where the idea of internal safety becomes important, and this is why I’m sharing my recent meditation with you right here to help you recenter.
Developing Internal Safety in Divorce
Internal safety doesn't mean that everything around you is safe or that you can convince yourself everything is going to be okay. Sometimes divorce really is difficult. You may have a spouse who is unpredictable or difficult to communicate with. You may have legitimate concerns about money, parenting, court, or what comes next. Telling yourself to relax isn't going to change any of that.
Internal safety is more about developing the ability to stay connected to yourself when things around you feel uncertain. It's the growing sense of, I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but I know I can be here with myself while it happens. That can be a very different kind of security.
When we don't feel safe, it's natural to look for ways to create more certainty. You might replay conversations, carefully plan what you're going to say, try to anticipate your spouse's next move, check your phone repeatedly, or spend a lot of time thinking through every possible outcome.
Some of that preparation may be necessary. The problem comes when your sense of safety becomes dependent on being able to predict or control what someone else is going to do. You can't, and neither can I. What you can develop is more confidence in your ability to respond to what actually happens. That might sound like, “I don't need to figure this out tonight. I'll deal with it when I have the information I need.” Or, “I don't have to respond just because someone else is demanding a response.” Or simply, “I can be uncomfortable without immediately doing something to make the discomfort go away.”
That isn't passivity. In fact, the more grounded you are, the more capable you often are of making good decisions, communicating clearly and holding appropriate boundaries. You're able to respond to what is actually happening instead of reacting to everything your mind thinks might happen.
Coming Back to Yourself
One thing I often talk about with clients is the difference between staying centered and coming back to center. I don't think we're meant to stay perfectly calm and centered through divorce. You're going to get knocked off course. You're going to have moments when an email sends your heart racing, a conversation gets under your skin, or something unexpected happens and suddenly you're ten steps ahead in your head.
The goal isn't to never have those moments. The practice is learning how to notice that you've left the present moment and come back.
Back to your breath. Back to your body. Back to what you actually know. Back to what is yours to handle. Back to the next step instead of trying to solve the entire future. That is what centering can give you. Not a way to make divorce peaceful, but a way to become more familiar with the experience of finding your way back to yourself when it isn't.
Guided Mediation
In The Gold Room this week, I walked members through a meditation as a way to practice this. You don't need any meditation experience, and you don't need to clear your mind or make yourself feel peaceful. The point is simply to spend a few minutes noticing where you are, connecting with yourself and practicing the experience of coming back to center. I’m sharing it here for you to see that you don’t have to get to a place where nothing difficult happens. You need to develop a relationship with yourself that says, Whatever comes next, I will be here. I can listen to myself. I can take the next step. I don't have to have everything figured out today.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult). My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
