Three Ways to Make Your Former Partner Irrelevant
On Saturdays in my 20s, I used to bike along the bike path that hugged the Pacific Ocean. I’d pedal from Marina Del Ray through Venice Beach and Santa Monica right up to the edge of Malibu taking in so much of that stretch of the world. In my heart’s memory, those bike rides were some of the freest times of my life. I don’t know if it was the wind in my hair, my problems flying away in the wind, or the healing presence of water. Whatever it was, I felt free.
Freedom when Your Former Partner is irrelevant
Free is a word that comes up a lot in my divorce coaching.
People feel so very stuck with their divorce, the dark emotions, and the never-ending adjustment to it. The emotional stages of divorce feel unending. They feel trapped and claustrophobic; freedom seems so far away. But in their deepest hearts they want to be free of the static that their former partner produces in their head. They want to be free of resentment. Free of worries about the future. Free of agitation around their former partner’s thoughtless actions.
And while they want to be free, they have no clue how to get there.
I want you to be free. And the only way to this space called “free” is if you start Making your former partner irrelevant.
Steps to Making Your Former partner Irrelevant
Now I know that sounds cruel, or even not logistically possible with kids, but hear me out. Irrelevant just means not related to the subject at hand. So all I am proposing is how do we make your former partner less related to the subject at hand?
First step, you need to agree that the irrelevance of your former partner is your destination. To do that, we have to get on the same page. If irrelevant means not related to the subject at hand, what exactly is the subject at hand? Hint: it’s your life. Your life is the subject at hand. Repeat after me - “My former partner is irrelevant (not related) to the subject at hand (my life).”
Second, check yourself on the ways that you’re doing the exact opposite of this statement. Check on the ways that your actions suggest that your former partner is entirely related to your life. For example, let’s say your partner starts dating another person. The fact of this new partnership is not related to the subject at hand, which is your life. It’s relevant to a lot of people, it’s just not relevant to your life. When you spiral on it, you’re making it very relevant. What if you could make it irrelevant? How would you need to approach it? Try saying to yourself, “I’m glad that they found a person to live life with, as for me, I’m focusing on making sure our family gets situated well in this new dynamic.” Or you could say to yourself, “They get to make their own decisions, regardless of my impressions of them. What’s next on my agenda for today?” If your life is the subject at hand, your reframes need to include the ways your life is the one you’ll be attending to in this moment.
Third, resolve the impact of your former partner’s actions by yourself. What this means is when your former partner’s actions and inactions bump up against you, you figure out how to solve the problem independent of your former partner. Your former partner shows up one hour late to pick up the kids for their weekly dinner and the kids are hungry? Feed the kids. What most of you choose is to lecture to your coparent about their tardiness which gets summarily ignored. If your former partner were irrelevant, what would matter about this situation? Your life, your kids’ lives, their hunger levels. Address the need, ignore the reasons that led to their late arrival. Make your life the subject at hand.
I know this kind of abrupt or seemingly cold way of approaching relationship won’t sit well with some of you, but I can tell you that I observe the most freedom coming out of the clients who try it out. So this holiday season, gift yourself with your former partner’s irrelevance and see what a little dose of freedom does for your divorce recovery.
Ready to make your former partner irrelevant? Schedule a complimentary call with me here to make it real in your life.
About the Author:
Hi, I’m Andrea, a divorce coach, author, and speaker. I’m the creator of the Divorce Differently with H.E.A.R.T. model, and I can work with you to create a healthier divorce and life (even when your partner is difficult) while also saving you loads of time and money. My clients walk through divorce with a better understanding of the process, clearer expectations, defined boundaries, and useful hacks to make this most unwanted situation doable. I can teach you how to do it too! Let’s talk.
