What Your Kids Need in Divorce
In my recent television interview with the Fox 17 Morning Mix, I talked about how the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention categorizes divorce as an Adverse Childhood Experience. Typically we think of Adverse Childhood Experiences as the potentially big and traumatic events that occur in childhood, but also included are certain elements of a child’s living environment that can undermine their sense of security, stability, and ability to bond, things that are very much threatened when a household moves through divorce. Thankfully, some of the impacts of adverse childhood experiences can in fact be prevented.
One of the biggest things that our kids need from us in the divorce process and after is neuroleadership, and this is true frankly whether you are divorcing or not.
Neuroleadership is just a big word for explaining that how we lead is affected by how we manage our inner world, particularly our brain and our nervous system. When we think about leading in divorce or providing leadership to our family in disruption, our kids need us to be non-anxious, regulated, settled humans. This is incredibly hard in divorce, but working on becoming a safe and neuro-settled parent for your child is key to their sense of safety in this process.
One way to create safety for kids during divorce is to adopt a strengths-based parenting model.
I see a lot of coparents adopt a weaknesses-based parenting model where they dwell exclusively on the failures of their coparent and focus on what their coparent cannot or will not do for them or for their children. Strengths-based parenting is being able to think about your coparent and say although I am aware of your many faults and disappointing characteristics, when it comes to our kids, I will focus on what works with you. Too many people try to change their coparent and fix their failures, instead of doing the hard work to realign with them so that they can begin utilizing and leaning on and celebrating what they can do well.
As an overarching goal when moving through divorce, parents need to be a supportive adult for their child and develop a stable committed relationship with them.
Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child affirms the science which shows that children who do well despite serious hardship have had at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult. That relationship essentially buffers them from disruption and helps them develop a level of resilience which is what is needed to respond to adversity and thrive.
Divorce confronts even the best of parents with complex and unexpected situations. Get help.
Divorce coaching, like the kind I offer, puts you in the thinking space to address your own needs, patterns, and ways of relating and learn the skills you need to become the healthiest version of yourself during a time of great upheaval in your life. More than that, it helps you see your blind spots and resources you with the tools necessary to minimize the painful impacts of divorce on your child’s life.
