The One Thing You Need to Develop Before You Say “I Want a Divorce”
I’ll cut to the chase.
Before you say “I want a divorce” to your partner, you need to develop a solid flexible self.
What is a solid flexible self?
It means you know who you are without others needing to tell you. You don’t need social media likes, applause, or constant feedback to live your good life. You know your values, you know you live from them, and you don’t need others to agree, change, or be better because of them. You are rooted. You are able to adjust and change around others as you see fit, not under pressure.
The way you welcome a solid self is by conducting a thorough examination of your values.
There are a whole host of values that might be important to you, but you can find your solid flexible self around four or five of them. Values like family, financial security, wisdom, freedom, pleasure, achievement, affection, authenticity, friendship, service, and responsibility drive our actions and impact what we want to present to the world. My values are family, personal growth, spirituality, and inner peace.
The flexible part of the solid, flexible self is the part that is growing, learning, and willing to own his or her mistakes and make course corrections along the way. You’re able to bend and be shaped, while still adhering to the core values from which you live.
Take a moment and identify the top ten values you treasure from this list compiled by the CDC Certified Divorce Coach® Program below:
Family
Happiness
Health
Competitiveness (winning, taking risks)
Friendship (close relationship with others)
Affection (love, caring, etc.)
Wisdom (discovering and understanding knowledge)
Cooperation (working well with others, teamwork)
Fame (being well known or famous)
Achievement (a sense of accomplishment)
Wealth (getting rich, making money)
Economic Security
Financial Certainty
Freedom (independence and autonomy)
Integrity (honest, sincerity, standing for oneself)
Inner harmony (being at peace)
Creativity (being imaginative, innovative)
Helpfulness (helping others, improving society)
Personal Development (use of personal potential)
Self-Respect (sense of personal identity, pride)
Recognition (status, recognition from others)
Advancement (promotions)
Spirituality (strong spiritual beliefs)
Loyalty
Adventure (new challenges)
Gender Orientation (strong identity to gender)
Involvement (belonging, being involved with others)
Economic Security
Pleasure (fun, laughs, leisurely lifestyle)
Power (control, authority, influence over others)
Responsibility (being accountable for results)
Order (stability, conformity, tranquility)
Sexual Identity (having strong identity to sexuality)
Culture (race or ethnic identity)
Efficiency
Effectiveness
After you’ve identified the top ten, see if you can whittle it down to five. With those five, write a statement about why you treasure each of the values. Detail why they are a motivation for you and why you uniquely are drawn to them. Bringing awareness to your values puts you in touch with what you want to organize your life around.
If they are deeply held values, you will be compelled to bring them to life in all of the areas of your existence. Your values will come to bear on how you view your former partner, how you create a new arrangement of family, and how you narrate to your kids this change in their world. Write some more about how each of your values would impact how you would walk through divorce well.
Developing a solid flexible self is critical to handling the tsunami of emotions and logistics that will comprise your divorce experience. Don’t get started until you’ve found it.
