What Divorce Does To Kids
Hands down one of the most common questions that keeps people teetering on the edge of their decision to divorce is their concern about their kids. Many parents would rather shoulder the pain of a difficult and stuck marriage than transfer any possible trauma on to their children. As a parent, I honor the deep fear for our kids’ wellbeing that keeps us in challenging marriages, and I also honor the motivation of deep love for our kids that compels us to stay married and try harder or simply tough it out.
The studies that comprise what we scientifically know about children and divorce is two-fold:
Children will be affected. Make no mistake, children are profoundly impacted by divorce. Most acutely felt in the first year after divorce is introduced to the family, children will inevitably experience some version of a setback. In younger children it is not unusual to witness regression, acting out, separation anxiety, and insecurity. In older children we see pulling away, body pains (headaches, stomachaches, etc), moodiness, depression, anxiety, and withdrawal. If any of these behaviors or tendencies were in place pre-divorce, there is a high chance that they will be exacerbated by the divorce. I have yet to talk with a divorced parent who did not have to parent their children through some version of a difficult adjustment. Entering into divorce means entering in to a willingness to parent big feelings, big changes, and a very real measure of heartache in your children.
Parents play a big role in how much their children are affected. The second studied result we know about divorce is that the way parents treat each other, themselves, and their children in the transition has enormous impacts on outcomes. These behaviors also play a role in how long the difficult parts of adjustment will be present. Not surprisingly, high conflict and high tension divorces will result in poorer outcomes for your kids and their difficulties will last longer. Children whose feelings are neglected, shamed, or silenced will also suffer more and for longer. Parents who are able to manage their stress, focus on building on the assets of their former partner, and working with great intention toward a healthy two-address family will undoubtedly off-load a great deal of the typical fallout that accompanies divorce.
Parents that I talk to are looking for reassurance that the kids will be alright during and after divorce. The truth is, whether the kids will be alright is influenced by a considerable number of factors. Donald Saposnek, a clinical-child psychologist, child custody and family mediator, and international trainer and consultant in child psychology and mediation, says it best:
In order to properly answer the question “How are children of divorce doing?” we really need to ask of a particular child within a particular divorce, something like: “Which child, of what age, of which divorcing family, with what kind of marital history, with what specific kinds and degrees of pre- and post-separation disputes, with what degree of custodial parent adjustment, with what coping styles, temperament styles, and qualities of parent-child relationships, presented at which times in the divorcing process, within what kinds of time-sharing schedules, etc.?” Only when this series of complex questions is answered can we even begin to predict how a particular child of divorce will turn out.
So with this many elements in play, where does that leave us as parents who love our kids like crazy and yet still find ourselves approaching an unwanted divorce?
My advice is simple - give supported attention to the parts of your divorce and your children’s experience of it that you can control.
Get help on all fronts for all of you. Pursue healthy two-address family goals as the highest aim of your parenting. Step out of using your former partner as an excuse for why the family dynamics are hard. Find ways to protect yourself and strengthen your trigger responses so you can take care of yourself and give your kids the best chance possible at adjusting well.
Divorce is a watershed event in a child’s life with a clear before and after. Don’t just let the story happen to you. Write the story yourself. And as always, please check in with me if you need help sorting out your way on the path.
